ALMOST

SERVICE RECORD

ALMOST — Amateur Level Maneuvering, Obviously Still Terrible.

For someone allegedly born with a stick and throttle in their hand, LT Mike “ALMOST” Kilbride is one of the most breathtakingly mediocre pilots in the squadron. With a self-proclaimed inch-deep, mile-wide knowledge of the entire Air Wing's active airframes, ALMOST can switch roles and put on a spectacular display of mediocrity in weapons employment, tactics, and general airmanship no matter what is asked of him.

ALMOST grew up on the greatest romance movie of all time starring Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, as well as myriad documentaries about aviation where most people would probably learn something that could make them truly masterful in the air. Somehow, none of that stuck with him as he grew up in and around aviation with dreams of becoming an F-14 Tomcat pilot. In his education he maintained a rock solid average GPA of 2.5, only performing just well enough to make it through — just as he does on every mission to this day. Upon graduation, with college not an option, he opted to enlist in the US Navy, where he once again displayed an exceptional ability to perform at the absolute highest levels of averageness, from his time as an “arresting gear operator” to his eventual time as an Aviation Electronics Technician. The only highlight in his career was working to sundown the venerable Tomcat with VF-32 “Swordsmen,” and aside from that he did just well enough to avoid non-judicial punishment and not well enough to advance in rank, which did not seem to bother him in the slightest.

Upon completion of his initial enlistment, he transferred to civilian life, where he finally was able to complete his pilot certification — miraculously, in the federally required minimum time of 40 logged hours. This was the only time he did something that was actually impressive… even though it impressed absolutely nobody. After spending several years drifting about the sea of underwhelming abilities, he stumbled upon the 15th Aerial Demonstration Squadron as they were being stood up, eventually ending up with a place on the universally uninspiring Blue Team, slotting in the number 2 jet. Absolutely nobody, at any location in the world, has any idea that Blue Team even exists, due to their truly yawn-inspiring ability to perform even the most menial of airborne demonstrations. This never stopped ALMOST from suiting up as if he were one of the Gold Team members himself and lining up for departure.

As the 15th ADS slowly drifted into different roles, ALMOST kept trying to perform the perfect inverted runway pass to almost no avail, when WILBOR made a stunningly perplexing decision to ask him to fly with VMAQ-101, thanks to his in-depth knowledge of how to turn on the RWR after a mostly successful cold start. At this time, not one single pilot in CVW-0 understands WILBOR's decision, although everyone is hoping his previously demonstrated ability to select the right tool for the right job has placed ALMOST as the right tool for the Swipers job. Only time will tell if ALMOST will send it low, or let the tide take all.

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